This post is mostly going to be a story, a bit of history. Now we all know that the "truth" of any situation lies somewhere in the middle of the two stories you hear - however this blog is about MY story, MY take on things, and how I'M dealing with it....bear that in mind and read on...
Maybe it's just me (although I doubt it) but when it finally dawns on you that you've spent the vast majority of your adult life helping everyone else realize their dreams in hopes that they will return the favor, and you find out that's not the case, it's like getting hit by a bulldozer.
First, it's even coming to that realization. You know something isn't right, you finally decide to do something about it, then you get smacked in the face (almost literally) by someone telling you that their dreams and ambitions are more important, more valuable and will ALWAYS be the priority. In my case, I kinda knew - had known for some time (like years) - that was the reality. Actually having someone tell that to your face still sucks. You question your value, why you were so stupid and at the same time you're MAD! Hurt, anger, loss, and a host of emotions you're not sure how to deal with. Are you making a rash decision? Are you just caught up in the moment?
Once you determine that you have, indeed, wasted the majority of the past decade of your life, you now have to deal with all the emotions and roller coasters that come with that. Everyone has their own way of coping - once my mind was made up, my method of coping was to just strike out on my own and starting putting the past behind me.
At first it seemed okay, then over the course of a few months some realities of relying on only your own income began to set in. Money got tight, and part time jobs weren't reliable. In fact, money actually went from tight to "there's not enough." I wasn't out blowing it on fun stuff, either....I just literally did not earn enough to pay all my bills without a part time job, and when those started proving their unreliability, I was screwed (I still have one that owes me almost 2 months worth of pay :/ ).
All of this forced me to sit down and do some reassessing. First, I realized that I needed to reduce my bills. It was probably gonna kill my credit, but that was dying anyways, so screw it. It also meant making the hardest decision I've made and I ended up moving my retired horse into a semi-rescue situation. These things are bringing my bills into a range I can support on my one job - it leaves nothing for spending or incidentals, but I can pay the bills - barely. Which means any part time work can cover incidentals and maybe, just maybe, the occasional fun. I've given up a lot to pursue racing motorcycles, but unless the part time jobs start coming through (or I manage to finally get a new full time job), that simply isn't going to happen just yet.
My next step was to formulate some goals. Create some focus in my life. For the first time in my entire life, I have my future ahead of me and there's only one opinion that matters about where that is headed - and that one person is me. That realization was rather empowering. A little scary when you've spent well over 30 years relying on other people, or having their opinions carry as much (if not more) weight than your own. Overall though, it was empowering. The next question was just how I was going to go about dealing with that!
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