The problem is, the process doesn't always seem to bring results and my frustration levels are starting to reach critical mass.
There are several things I'm trying to do in various aspects of my life. They include:
- Get back to where I was and improve my racing
- Lose the weight I gained after breaking my leg
- Get work to something manageable
- Maintain my fitness
Racing: I've spent a ridiculous amount of money chasing bike problems, rider problems, coaching, and racing, only to have gained nothing other than an education on how even "experts" can be fucking wrong. My bike was fucked up, but I kept riding and racing it anyways, being told the issues were me, not the bike - and it ended up that the bike WAS a major problem. I had hoped sorting that out would magically make me ride better - it has not. I'm right where I was a year ago when my leg was a bigger problem (so, technically, a step backwards). The frustration that I am STILL doing worse than I did on my old bike has me at this point where I can't balance my desire to keep getting out there and doing my damnest to make it happen and my level of desire to just scream "fuck it all!" and save what money I can. But that fight is still stronger, so like an idiot, I keep going out there only to accomplish - nothing. Frustrated!!
Weight: Tried a few diets, finally settled on OMAD. I can live with OMAD, but dammit, I'm fucking hungry, pretty much every day, and my body is fighting me every single step of the way. I see some losses, steadily in the right direction, then ONE day of not being good, and I'm right back to where I started. There is no way on god's green earth I ate 3 pounds of calories in a matter of 1 day, yet, the scale pulls no punches and here I sit, 3 pounds heavier, for the better part of a week. That's not a random flucuation folks.
Work: Don't get me started. I nearly walked out once last week, and this week is hardly any better. The stress has me seriously considering a new job. Honestly, it's not even the work that's the issue, it's the people I have to work with! Not the people I sit next to mind you, but the people who I have to directly do work with. They are driving me up the proverbial wall, and being assholes about a lot of it, and I'm stuck in the middle trying to make it all work. My right eye has hardly taken a break from twitching since this weekend, and I'm positive it's work induced stress causing it.
I'm just beyond frustrated in most aspects of my life. I like the "new" boyfriend, and overall that's going well, but he's a feeler type, and that always presents some unique challenges for me. Overall things that are good for me, and can make for a better relationship, but when things are still this new, I feel like I'm sometimes on egg shells to not say something too callous without meaning it that way. It's generally a good thing and brings smiles to my face, yet there are moments I have to check myself to be sure I'm not going to come across like an ass.
How long do you have to "trust the process" before you realize it's not fucking working?!?
No comments:
Post a Comment