Adulting 101

Being an adult isn't always fun....but I recently decided to do the adult thing rather than the thing I really wanted to do.

You see, my street bike got totaled when a driver made an illegal U-Turn right in front of me. Thankfully I had all my gear on and came out okay. My bike didn't fair so well. While half of the claim hasn't settled yet, I did settle the bike. At first I thought I'd run out and buy a replacement - instead, once the check actually arrived, I had thought things through a bit more and decided there were better ways to handle this.

Instead of that shiny, new, bike, I instead decided to do the more adult thing. You see, I can live without a street bike now. I live close to BART, and I have my scooter for around town if I need it, plus my truck. Really, there's not a reason I would really need a bike other than random trips to the east bay areas - but those are infrequent enough that buying a bike just for that is, well, silly.

So, I took that money and did the responsible thing - I paid off ALL my revolving debt, paid off my smallest loan, did the maintenance on the truck that I had been putting off, and put some money into savings. I did buy myself the helmet I had set aside as my "treat" to myself for "behaving." I needed some conciliation prize for being stuck in cages and trains for the next several months!

I still plan to replace the bike, but will be waiting until later this winter once my credit has had a chance to rebound, I've saved up some more for a solid down payment, and I've paid off my highest interest loan. Most of that should be able to happen by the end of the year, so I'm thinking December or January for the new bike....

Forward Two Steps, Back One

     Things were trundling along pretty well for me - my credit was improving, I was setting some money aside (maybe not a ton, but some), and debt was slowly reducing. Then I broke my leg, ironically, one month before the new year. The reason that is so ironic is because of my shitty health insurance (thanks, Obama, for destroying my decent health plan and forcing me to get on my shitty work offered plan) - my "out of pocket" resets every January. So, at the end of 2016, I nearly maxed that out, only to have it reset 2 days after my second surgery on the leg. Apparently, it's not "per incident" as I had in my previous plan - nope, annual. Period. So, I have been hit with 2 years worth of out of pocket maximums in 6 months. I don't have that kind of money laying around.

     Now I'm back to getting piles of bills in the mail that I can't afford to pay. I pay them off as I can, but the big ones end up sitting there. I'm tapped out on payment plans, too - anymore and it would leave me just way to tight financially.

     Don't get me wrong, I'm still paying my bills and making it all happen. I'm still adjusting to the shorter commute and reduced commute costs now that I've moved MUCH closer to work. Even taking out a loan to cover move costs and deposits, I should come out ahead financially, but it hasn't even been a month yet, so I'm still seeing how my budget pans out in reality. Granted, I'm filling the bike up less, and certainly crossing fewer bridges, so I know I'm spending way less, but just haven't had enough time for the impact to hit my budget-mind yet (I still believe I need way more $$ to get through a week than I probably do).

    If it weren't for this, I'd be doing pretty darn good right now. The money I've already spent on medical shit (NOT counting what I still owe) would have paid off most if not all of my revolving debt. I could have taken a hunk out of my payment debt, and probably wouldn't have needed a loan for the move. Instead, as the saying goes, 2 steps forward, 1 step back. Just doing my best to manage it all again.

Unforeseen Progress

I realize I don’t update this blog too often – probably because, in part, a lot of what has changed is in my day to day life and I tend to stay pretty busy. Sure, I have days when I’m pretty down, or when things don’t seem to be going my way very well, but then, inevitably, something happens to change that outlook.

There are a lot of things about my life now that I love, and most of all, I love that I’m in control of the overall outcome. Yes, things happen outside of my control, but being focused on the things that really mattered to me has put in a position of power in my own life. Taking time to focus on those things, and not being swayed by random things that would distract me has allowed me to get into this position in my life.

For the first time in a rather long time, I’m not worried about paying my bills. I’m not worried about being able to buy a tire for my commute bike if I get a flat. Sure, there are months I’m scraping by, but usually because of the things I’m doing for “fun” or because I spent money then had something unexpected come up. But, while it’s been close, I haven’t had to dig into the emergency piggy bank for gas money for quite some time. I’m getting a small little nest egg started.

To some people, I’m sure all of this would seem rather amateur, but considering where I was 3 years ago, this has been some major progress. I’m taking care of myself, renting my own little place, paying all the bills, have the resources to chase my passion, and still a tiny bit that can be set aside. Anything extra that comes in is available for saving or a splurge (like the AC unit I picked up earlier this summer), rather than needing it for basic necessities.

In fact, today, for what I believe may be the first time since my divorce, I imagined what I will feel like when I’m debt free. Mind you, with my student loans, that’s a LONG ways off, but I’m finally in a position where I let myself imagine that feeling again. That’s not a position I’ve been in for a very long time! Even to be willing to imagine that feeling is a huge step. It means things are heading in the right direction!

Stepping into the Light!

Work has continued to go well. My boss and team are great, and I really cannot complain other than not feeling too challenged at the moment but once my boss returns from maternity leave I'm sure I will begin to look at the next challenge. Unfortunately my boredom has gotten me to thinking, which is a good thing, but sometimes gets me itching.

Perhaps it's the lack of change in my life. Other than moving from one roommate situation to another, and changing houses in the process, my life has been fairly stable - work, work, a little more work, and racing. That's about it. Whether it's just my constant need for change and a challenge, perhaps getting a little burnt out, or truly being ready for that next step, my little mind has been whirling and I've been thinking.

There have been two predominant thoughts. The first is that I really, REALLY want to start incorporating my education (aka art/3D stuff) into my work. Whether that is through a corporate job, something that is kind of close (say marketing) or through freelancing, I'm back to working on a portfolio and looking at some freelance gigs to build up some references. In an ideal world I'd be doing that full time with some low-stress part time work on the side (hell, I'd love to keep my current part time job and do that full time).

My biggest issue is that is not the "safest" thing to do, nor is it something I am set up for just yet. It's going to take some time to build clients, resources, etc. In the meantime, I have my day job, and I'd like to keep growing in that, too - the skills are very transferable, even into the 3D world.

The second predominant thought has to do with my living situation. I'm tired of renting a room from someone else! I want my own place - even if I have a 2/2 with a roommate, I want something that is my place that I can manage on my own if need be instead of always piggy backing on someone else's lease, and being the second (or third, or fourth) wheel in someone else's home. Problem is, at my current salary, even with as much as I work, that is NOT going to happen unless I have ZERO fun money - which I'm not quite willing to NEED two jobs in order to pay my basic bills. Been there, done that, dug out of that hole, not willing to fall back into it. This area is SO expensive, it has me looking elsewhere. There are areas relatively nearby (Sacramento for example) that are WAY cheaper and would keep me in the area, but I'd need either a position with my current company or get lucky enough to land a good paying job - or make the freelancing thing a real thing VERY quickly. 

All in all, I'm at a point where I can finally think these thoughts, however, due to the fact that my divorce financial disaster is finally coming to a close. There is still one account outstanding, but my last contracted payment has been made which is freeing up a lot of money over the next few months. My credit score is ever so slowly rebounding, finally getting into the 600 range. There's still a long ways to go, but it's getting there and I'm very stoked about that. I'm also stoked to finally, realistically, be looking at paying off some of my debts once and for all!

There was a light at the end of the tunnel - and I'm finally able to start stepping into it. This has been a long, miserable road. I've learned some things along the way, I've learned a lot about myself, I've become a bit more selfish and cynical, but I've also become more professional, personable, and open with people at the same time.

Living Life

The 'new' job has proven to be a great step. Not only is it a company I can move up and around in, it's also connecting me to a whole other world of networking and industry professionals I otherwise would never have met. To make the deal even sweeter, my current boss and the team I landed on have been extremely supportive of my career growth and development, a trait that is exceptionally beneficial to my future. 

As my position has grown, my boss and the company have lived up to their promises (something my last several jobs did NOT do), and I couldn't be happier from a career growth perspective. The only thing that would make this ideal would be combining what I have with my education and working in that industry with a similar team. It's still on my radar to head that direction, but in the meantime I'm developing into a far more valuable employee than I previously was.

Outside of work, life continues. The financial ruin that the divorce put me into is still haunting me, as I can't seem to get ahead. The difference from a year or two ago is that at least now, all my bills are paid, I have food on my shelves, and I'm actually racing motorcycles, which makes all the hard work totally worthwhile. Yes, I may be working 7 days a week unless I'm at the track, but I enjoy my jobs, and while I sometimes overspend a bit, at least I'm making everything happen when it needs to. Financial institutions still consider me a liability, but I can say with confidence now that I'm paying all my bills, on time, and not borrowing more than I already have (although I'm not dropping those balances much yet, either, at least I'm not adding to them).

The financial strain is the final remaining piece from the divorce that haunts me. I've even gotten my name back! Feels great to not have that little nagging everytime I'd see my signature or name in print. Finally, that is ME! It really is an awesome thing.

Life continues its journey, which is always an exciting ride. I'm reminded of Samwise in Lord of the Rings:

"By rights we shouldn't even be here. But we are. It's like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger, they were. And sometimes you didn't want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end, it's only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant something, even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn't. They kept going. Because they were holding on to something."

Striking Out

Rediscovering my mojo was huge. Once I happened upon that and took some time to rediscover myself, I finally found myself much happier. More content with life and where it was going. And more determined to ensure that, despite everything else, I was going to live my life the way I wanted and do the things that were truly important to me.

There are still days and weeks that are tough, but that's to be expected in any life. We go through periods of feeling lonely, stressed, unloved, and unworthy. But finding that inner mojo makes coming out of those times a very do-able proposition. I have had the opportunity, desire, and drive to ensure that I continue to move forward in my life DESPITE the setbacks, roadblocks and other things that make it seem, at times, impossible.

Having a plan and forecast was also essential. Approximately one year ago I had finally decided to get my career on track. That required me to take a position that, while a significant pay increase, was also a significant cost increase and still paid WAY below area averages for that position. BUT, it would get my career headed in the direction I wanted. The company had poor reviews. I knew the pay was low. Despite that, I knew it would give me a resume that could move me into what I really wanted to do and keep me looking forward.

Don't get me wrong - I loved my work. I thoroughly enjoy what I do on a daily basis. There have been some perks such as telecommuting a couple days a week and a company phone. Since this job was a stepping stone, however, I've had to redirect myself into my future, and unfortunately there are other opportunities that in the long term will serve me better than my current position as the company has lived up to all of its poor reviews, much to my disappointment (since I really do enjoy my work).

Paying the bills and paying off debt, however, are taking priority, as is moving forward in an industry that has a little more to offer, so I began my job search. Much like the last time, I wasn't seeking "a job" but instead was looking for the "right job." A little research and I came across a few opportunities that matched and put my now updated resume out there. One of the companies replied, and a phone interview was arranged. That seemed to go well, and an in person interview was scheduled. Long story short, after another phone interview, a verbal offer now stands on the table.

While my negotiating skills still need some serious work, the offer the job presented is what I was HOPING for - so, rather than feeling the need to negotiate to get into what I wanted, it put me where I needed without negotiations. I'm guessing I could have bargained out a bit more, but to be honest, when something is hitting your target, what else do you ask for? More is nice, but I got a little more than the initial discussion, so I'm not complaining.

I gave the option to my present employer to come a little closer to this a couple months ago. I was told it wouldn't happen, maybe after another 6 months, and if I needed to look around, well, so be it. So be it it was, and here I am. Part of me wishes I didn't have to leave, but I know looking at the bigger picture this is the wiser decision. I'm excited about the prospects here and look forward to what it has to offer.

Gettin' my Mojo Back!

Time does do a lot for healing. It can take you from a curled up heap of sobbing tears to someone who's happy and making things happen. Time did that for me...I was feeling pretty content with where my life was going, I was learning to gain control of things like finances and the like, and I was keeping busy even if a bit lonely sometimes - and I was learning to be okay with that.

There was still a missing element to my healing. I was struggling to put my finger on it - it was easy to blame things like being broke, stressed about work or the lack of dating going on. Despite all of that, however, I knew there was still something missing, some part of me that hadn't fully healed, that I had lost somewhere along the way.

I had lost my mojo.

You know, that special spark that makes you, well, you. That element that gave me my edge. Drove me. Let me deal with thing in a different light. The part of me that was competitive. The part of me that wasn't subtly scared of everything.

Ya, that. I had lost it.

When and where I lost it, I'm not sure. It was somewhere between falling in love and then realizing that the person who was supposed to love me for me didn't. Regardless, I had FINALLY found what it was I needed. Now how to do that in my situation. Of course, being the nerdy type I am, and google being one's best friend, off to the wisdom of the internet I went.

This search actually proved to be very useful as I finally dug up some sites that discussed healing after a divorce over the long term. Let's face it, most "divorce healing" discussions deal with things you're going through that first year or so - the emotions, the let down, learning to do things you didn't have to do before, etc. Most advice out there doesn't pay attention to what happens after that but before you're back to "normal." Finally I found a few places that discussed, literally, getting your mojo back.

One of the huge elements of marriage is that you change yourself to work with the other person. This means that the "you" before them is set aside. These sites discussing needing to rediscover that person. Sure, you've grown and changed and may not want to be the exact person you were before the marriage, but that's where a lot of your mojo is hiding.

Mine, I believe, has been tucked away right there for some time. Probably slowly set aside, slowly sucked and twisted to meet the needs of someone who didn't offer much mojo in return. So yes, I had lost mine. The good news? It's still there, and the advice I came across has already helped me pin down it's location. 

I'm sure this won't be an overnight process, but I'm positive this was the missing element!