Little Cows Being Pushed Off Cliffs (or my 2020 in a nutshell)

 While this blog ends up mostly being a very sporadically updated personal journal, I do enjoy having it available as a place to put out there what I'm thinking and dealing with.

Life has continued to go in a variety of directions for me the past two years, with a culmination of crazy in 2020 (that hasn't quite ended, either). I know this year has been life altering for many the world over with the COVID-19 pandemic and the fallouts from that, but as we are all painfully aware, our struggles, in the end, are our own.

To that end, as I begin my WFG journey, and start redefining my life from my day job to my side work, to chasing my passion, to revisiting long lost hobbies, I am taking a few minutes to go through an end of year self-evaluation discussed on a recent training call.

1. List seven events, people, or memories you are grateful for in 2020
1. Moving to Georgia from Texas
2. Meeting Michelle
3. Meeting Giussephe
4. Meeting Brittany and Joey
5. Being let go from a toxic job/company
6. Getting to ride Barber - more than once!
2. In what area of your life do you have the most momentum?
1. Mental toughness building. It's not there yet, but I feel like I have the capacity to build it, keep it going, and find that piece of me that has been missing. My confidence is soaring as I'm surrounded by the right people who uplift me as much as I do them. Things are new, and fresh, and a bit raw, but I'm at peace with the direction (as horribly uncomfortable as these massive changes are!!!)
3. How can you keep that momentum into 2021?
1. Keep going with the direction I'm headed. Listen to my gut, put in the work, and keep focused on my goals and my why's.
4. What is the most positive habit in your life at the moment?
1. Since I'm in the middle of the 75Hard challenge, there are a few things I'm doing that are very positive for me (the workouts, the eating, and the reading). They aren't fully habits yet, but I really want to maintain the workouts and reading - maybe not as strictly, but no more "months off"
5. What one habit do you wish you could change in 2021?
1. Giving in to that bitch voice - that same one that kept me in a toxic job, that same one that had me dating a narcissist, that same one that lost me my fight. When I've been in mentally tough places (black belt testing, police training, basic and tech school, now 75 Hard) my self confidence SOARS. I need to keep those challenges in my life, and they need to be rigorous. 
6. Who is sharpening you to be the person you want to become, and how can you spend more time with them in 2021?
1. Honestly, myself and my WFG uplines (maybe will find that in a new job, too). It's going to be a matter of reaching out, and annoying them if need be, to be sure I'm surrounded with those who are willing to push themselves and others.
7. What one thing, if it got better, would make the biggest difference in 2021?
1. Money is always good, but honestly, better money management (already have started on that) - I've done a little too much living just beyond my means, and I need to self correct that. More money obviously would make that easier, as long as I go into it with the proper mindset.

 

It's time for me to embrace some changes in my life and world....my passion remains strong, and I may even be lighting a flame under it once again...but finding that mental toughness muscle and rebuilding it is going to be key. I'm only 30 days into this challenge. It's not going to get easier, but I'm embracing it and already noticing the changes in myself and how I'm returning to being true to myself once more.

When "The Process" Is Frustrating

So this year, the big mantra I keep hearing from everyone from my riding coach to the people in my health/weight/fitness forums is to just "trust the process."

The problem is, the process doesn't always seem to bring results and my frustration levels are starting to reach critical mass.

 There are several things I'm trying to do in various aspects of my life. They include: 

• Get back to where I was and improve my racing
• Lose the weight I gained after breaking my leg
• Get work to something manageable
• Maintain my fitness

In most of these, I keep hearing "trust the process." Well, I get it, but reality is telling me that the damn process isn't working. 

Racing: I've spent a ridiculous amount of money chasing bike problems, rider problems, coaching, and racing, only to have gained nothing other than an education on how even "experts" can be fucking wrong. My bike was fucked up, but I kept riding and racing it anyways, being told the issues were me, not the bike - and it ended up that the bike WAS a major problem. I had hoped sorting that out would magically make me ride better - it has not. I'm right where I was a year ago when my leg was a bigger problem (so, technically, a step backwards). The frustration that I am STILL doing worse than I did on my old bike has me at this point where I can't balance my desire to keep getting out there and doing my damnest to make it happen and my level of desire to just scream "fuck it all!" and save what money I can. But that fight is still stronger, so like an idiot, I keep going out there only to accomplish - nothing. Frustrated!!

Weight: Tried a few diets, finally settled on OMAD. I can live with OMAD, but dammit, I'm fucking hungry, pretty much every day, and my body is fighting me every single step of the way. I see some losses, steadily in the right direction, then ONE day of not being good, and I'm right back to where I started. There is no way on god's green earth I ate 3 pounds of calories in a matter of 1 day, yet, the scale pulls no punches and here I sit, 3 pounds heavier, for the better part of a week. That's not a random flucuation folks.

Work: Don't get me started. I nearly walked out once last week, and this week is hardly any better. The stress has me seriously considering a new job. Honestly, it's not even the work that's the issue, it's the people I have to work with! Not the people I sit next to mind you, but the people who I have to directly do work with. They are driving me up the proverbial wall, and being assholes about a lot of it, and I'm stuck in the middle trying to make it all work. My right eye has hardly taken a break from twitching since this weekend, and I'm positive it's work induced stress causing it.

I'm just beyond frustrated in most aspects of my life. I like the "new" boyfriend, and overall that's going well, but he's a feeler type, and that always presents some unique challenges for me. Overall things that are good for me, and can make for a better relationship, but when things are still this new, I feel like I'm sometimes on egg shells to not say something too callous without meaning it that way. It's generally a good thing and brings smiles to my face, yet there are moments I have to check myself to be sure I'm not going to come across like an ass.

How long do you have to "trust the process" before you realize it's not fucking working?!?

Adulting 101

Being an adult isn't always fun....but I recently decided to do the adult thing rather than the thing I really wanted to do.

You see, my street bike got totaled when a driver made an illegal U-Turn right in front of me. Thankfully I had all my gear on and came out okay. My bike didn't fair so well. While half of the claim hasn't settled yet, I did settle the bike. At first I thought I'd run out and buy a replacement - instead, once the check actually arrived, I had thought things through a bit more and decided there were better ways to handle this.

Instead of that shiny, new, bike, I instead decided to do the more adult thing. You see, I can live without a street bike now. I live close to BART, and I have my scooter for around town if I need it, plus my truck. Really, there's not a reason I would really need a bike other than random trips to the east bay areas - but those are infrequent enough that buying a bike just for that is, well, silly.

So, I took that money and did the responsible thing - I paid off ALL my revolving debt, paid off my smallest loan, did the maintenance on the truck that I had been putting off, and put some money into savings. I did buy myself the helmet I had set aside as my "treat" to myself for "behaving." I needed some conciliation prize for being stuck in cages and trains for the next several months!

I still plan to replace the bike, but will be waiting until later this winter once my credit has had a chance to rebound, I've saved up some more for a solid down payment, and I've paid off my highest interest loan. Most of that should be able to happen by the end of the year, so I'm thinking December or January for the new bike....

Forward Two Steps, Back One

     Things were trundling along pretty well for me - my credit was improving, I was setting some money aside (maybe not a ton, but some), and debt was slowly reducing. Then I broke my leg, ironically, one month before the new year. The reason that is so ironic is because of my shitty health insurance (thanks, Obama, for destroying my decent health plan and forcing me to get on my shitty work offered plan) - my "out of pocket" resets every January. So, at the end of 2016, I nearly maxed that out, only to have it reset 2 days after my second surgery on the leg. Apparently, it's not "per incident" as I had in my previous plan - nope, annual. Period. So, I have been hit with 2 years worth of out of pocket maximums in 6 months. I don't have that kind of money laying around.

     Now I'm back to getting piles of bills in the mail that I can't afford to pay. I pay them off as I can, but the big ones end up sitting there. I'm tapped out on payment plans, too - anymore and it would leave me just way to tight financially.

     Don't get me wrong, I'm still paying my bills and making it all happen. I'm still adjusting to the shorter commute and reduced commute costs now that I've moved MUCH closer to work. Even taking out a loan to cover move costs and deposits, I should come out ahead financially, but it hasn't even been a month yet, so I'm still seeing how my budget pans out in reality. Granted, I'm filling the bike up less, and certainly crossing fewer bridges, so I know I'm spending way less, but just haven't had enough time for the impact to hit my budget-mind yet (I still believe I need way more $$ to get through a week than I probably do).

    If it weren't for this, I'd be doing pretty darn good right now. The money I've already spent on medical shit (NOT counting what I still owe) would have paid off most if not all of my revolving debt. I could have taken a hunk out of my payment debt, and probably wouldn't have needed a loan for the move. Instead, as the saying goes, 2 steps forward, 1 step back. Just doing my best to manage it all again.

Unforeseen Progress

I realize I don’t update this blog too often – probably because, in part, a lot of what has changed is in my day to day life and I tend to stay pretty busy. Sure, I have days when I’m pretty down, or when things don’t seem to be going my way very well, but then, inevitably, something happens to change that outlook.

There are a lot of things about my life now that I love, and most of all, I love that I’m in control of the overall outcome. Yes, things happen outside of my control, but being focused on the things that really mattered to me has put in a position of power in my own life. Taking time to focus on those things, and not being swayed by random things that would distract me has allowed me to get into this position in my life.

For the first time in a rather long time, I’m not worried about paying my bills. I’m not worried about being able to buy a tire for my commute bike if I get a flat. Sure, there are months I’m scraping by, but usually because of the things I’m doing for “fun” or because I spent money then had something unexpected come up. But, while it’s been close, I haven’t had to dig into the emergency piggy bank for gas money for quite some time. I’m getting a small little nest egg started.

To some people, I’m sure all of this would seem rather amateur, but considering where I was 3 years ago, this has been some major progress. I’m taking care of myself, renting my own little place, paying all the bills, have the resources to chase my passion, and still a tiny bit that can be set aside. Anything extra that comes in is available for saving or a splurge (like the AC unit I picked up earlier this summer), rather than needing it for basic necessities.

In fact, today, for what I believe may be the first time since my divorce, I imagined what I will feel like when I’m debt free. Mind you, with my student loans, that’s a LONG ways off, but I’m finally in a position where I let myself imagine that feeling again. That’s not a position I’ve been in for a very long time! Even to be willing to imagine that feeling is a huge step. It means things are heading in the right direction!

Stepping into the Light!

Work has continued to go well. My boss and team are great, and I really cannot complain other than not feeling too challenged at the moment but once my boss returns from maternity leave I'm sure I will begin to look at the next challenge. Unfortunately my boredom has gotten me to thinking, which is a good thing, but sometimes gets me itching.

Perhaps it's the lack of change in my life. Other than moving from one roommate situation to another, and changing houses in the process, my life has been fairly stable - work, work, a little more work, and racing. That's about it. Whether it's just my constant need for change and a challenge, perhaps getting a little burnt out, or truly being ready for that next step, my little mind has been whirling and I've been thinking.

There have been two predominant thoughts. The first is that I really, REALLY want to start incorporating my education (aka art/3D stuff) into my work. Whether that is through a corporate job, something that is kind of close (say marketing) or through freelancing, I'm back to working on a portfolio and looking at some freelance gigs to build up some references. In an ideal world I'd be doing that full time with some low-stress part time work on the side (hell, I'd love to keep my current part time job and do that full time).

My biggest issue is that is not the "safest" thing to do, nor is it something I am set up for just yet. It's going to take some time to build clients, resources, etc. In the meantime, I have my day job, and I'd like to keep growing in that, too - the skills are very transferable, even into the 3D world.

The second predominant thought has to do with my living situation. I'm tired of renting a room from someone else! I want my own place - even if I have a 2/2 with a roommate, I want something that is my place that I can manage on my own if need be instead of always piggy backing on someone else's lease, and being the second (or third, or fourth) wheel in someone else's home. Problem is, at my current salary, even with as much as I work, that is NOT going to happen unless I have ZERO fun money - which I'm not quite willing to NEED two jobs in order to pay my basic bills. Been there, done that, dug out of that hole, not willing to fall back into it. This area is SO expensive, it has me looking elsewhere. There are areas relatively nearby (Sacramento for example) that are WAY cheaper and would keep me in the area, but I'd need either a position with my current company or get lucky enough to land a good paying job - or make the freelancing thing a real thing VERY quickly. 

All in all, I'm at a point where I can finally think these thoughts, however, due to the fact that my divorce financial disaster is finally coming to a close. There is still one account outstanding, but my last contracted payment has been made which is freeing up a lot of money over the next few months. My credit score is ever so slowly rebounding, finally getting into the 600 range. There's still a long ways to go, but it's getting there and I'm very stoked about that. I'm also stoked to finally, realistically, be looking at paying off some of my debts once and for all!

There was a light at the end of the tunnel - and I'm finally able to start stepping into it. This has been a long, miserable road. I've learned some things along the way, I've learned a lot about myself, I've become a bit more selfish and cynical, but I've also become more professional, personable, and open with people at the same time.

Living Life

The 'new' job has proven to be a great step. Not only is it a company I can move up and around in, it's also connecting me to a whole other world of networking and industry professionals I otherwise would never have met. To make the deal even sweeter, my current boss and the team I landed on have been extremely supportive of my career growth and development, a trait that is exceptionally beneficial to my future. 

As my position has grown, my boss and the company have lived up to their promises (something my last several jobs did NOT do), and I couldn't be happier from a career growth perspective. The only thing that would make this ideal would be combining what I have with my education and working in that industry with a similar team. It's still on my radar to head that direction, but in the meantime I'm developing into a far more valuable employee than I previously was.

Outside of work, life continues. The financial ruin that the divorce put me into is still haunting me, as I can't seem to get ahead. The difference from a year or two ago is that at least now, all my bills are paid, I have food on my shelves, and I'm actually racing motorcycles, which makes all the hard work totally worthwhile. Yes, I may be working 7 days a week unless I'm at the track, but I enjoy my jobs, and while I sometimes overspend a bit, at least I'm making everything happen when it needs to. Financial institutions still consider me a liability, but I can say with confidence now that I'm paying all my bills, on time, and not borrowing more than I already have (although I'm not dropping those balances much yet, either, at least I'm not adding to them).

The financial strain is the final remaining piece from the divorce that haunts me. I've even gotten my name back! Feels great to not have that little nagging everytime I'd see my signature or name in print. Finally, that is ME! It really is an awesome thing.

Life continues its journey, which is always an exciting ride. I'm reminded of Samwise in Lord of the Rings:

"By rights we shouldn't even be here. But we are. It's like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger, they were. And sometimes you didn't want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end, it's only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant something, even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn't. They kept going. Because they were holding on to something."