Little Cows Being Pushed Off Cliffs (or my 2020 in a nutshell)

 While this blog ends up mostly being a very sporadically updated personal journal, I do enjoy having it available as a place to put out there what I'm thinking and dealing with.

Life has continued to go in a variety of directions for me the past two years, with a culmination of crazy in 2020 (that hasn't quite ended, either). I know this year has been life altering for many the world over with the COVID-19 pandemic and the fallouts from that, but as we are all painfully aware, our struggles, in the end, are our own.

To that end, as I begin my WFG journey, and start redefining my life from my day job to my side work, to chasing my passion, to revisiting long lost hobbies, I am taking a few minutes to go through an end of year self-evaluation discussed on a recent training call.

1. List seven events, people, or memories you are grateful for in 2020
1. Moving to Georgia from Texas
2. Meeting Michelle
3. Meeting Giussephe
4. Meeting Brittany and Joey
5. Being let go from a toxic job/company
6. Getting to ride Barber - more than once!
2. In what area of your life do you have the most momentum?
1. Mental toughness building. It's not there yet, but I feel like I have the capacity to build it, keep it going, and find that piece of me that has been missing. My confidence is soaring as I'm surrounded by the right people who uplift me as much as I do them. Things are new, and fresh, and a bit raw, but I'm at peace with the direction (as horribly uncomfortable as these massive changes are!!!)
3. How can you keep that momentum into 2021?
1. Keep going with the direction I'm headed. Listen to my gut, put in the work, and keep focused on my goals and my why's.
4. What is the most positive habit in your life at the moment?
1. Since I'm in the middle of the 75Hard challenge, there are a few things I'm doing that are very positive for me (the workouts, the eating, and the reading). They aren't fully habits yet, but I really want to maintain the workouts and reading - maybe not as strictly, but no more "months off"
5. What one habit do you wish you could change in 2021?
1. Giving in to that bitch voice - that same one that kept me in a toxic job, that same one that had me dating a narcissist, that same one that lost me my fight. When I've been in mentally tough places (black belt testing, police training, basic and tech school, now 75 Hard) my self confidence SOARS. I need to keep those challenges in my life, and they need to be rigorous. 
6. Who is sharpening you to be the person you want to become, and how can you spend more time with them in 2021?
1. Honestly, myself and my WFG uplines (maybe will find that in a new job, too). It's going to be a matter of reaching out, and annoying them if need be, to be sure I'm surrounded with those who are willing to push themselves and others.
7. What one thing, if it got better, would make the biggest difference in 2021?
1. Money is always good, but honestly, better money management (already have started on that) - I've done a little too much living just beyond my means, and I need to self correct that. More money obviously would make that easier, as long as I go into it with the proper mindset.

 

It's time for me to embrace some changes in my life and world....my passion remains strong, and I may even be lighting a flame under it once again...but finding that mental toughness muscle and rebuilding it is going to be key. I'm only 30 days into this challenge. It's not going to get easier, but I'm embracing it and already noticing the changes in myself and how I'm returning to being true to myself once more.

When "The Process" Is Frustrating

So this year, the big mantra I keep hearing from everyone from my riding coach to the people in my health/weight/fitness forums is to just "trust the process."

The problem is, the process doesn't always seem to bring results and my frustration levels are starting to reach critical mass.

 There are several things I'm trying to do in various aspects of my life. They include: 

• Get back to where I was and improve my racing
• Lose the weight I gained after breaking my leg
• Get work to something manageable
• Maintain my fitness

In most of these, I keep hearing "trust the process." Well, I get it, but reality is telling me that the damn process isn't working. 

Racing: I've spent a ridiculous amount of money chasing bike problems, rider problems, coaching, and racing, only to have gained nothing other than an education on how even "experts" can be fucking wrong. My bike was fucked up, but I kept riding and racing it anyways, being told the issues were me, not the bike - and it ended up that the bike WAS a major problem. I had hoped sorting that out would magically make me ride better - it has not. I'm right where I was a year ago when my leg was a bigger problem (so, technically, a step backwards). The frustration that I am STILL doing worse than I did on my old bike has me at this point where I can't balance my desire to keep getting out there and doing my damnest to make it happen and my level of desire to just scream "fuck it all!" and save what money I can. But that fight is still stronger, so like an idiot, I keep going out there only to accomplish - nothing. Frustrated!!

Weight: Tried a few diets, finally settled on OMAD. I can live with OMAD, but dammit, I'm fucking hungry, pretty much every day, and my body is fighting me every single step of the way. I see some losses, steadily in the right direction, then ONE day of not being good, and I'm right back to where I started. There is no way on god's green earth I ate 3 pounds of calories in a matter of 1 day, yet, the scale pulls no punches and here I sit, 3 pounds heavier, for the better part of a week. That's not a random flucuation folks.

Work: Don't get me started. I nearly walked out once last week, and this week is hardly any better. The stress has me seriously considering a new job. Honestly, it's not even the work that's the issue, it's the people I have to work with! Not the people I sit next to mind you, but the people who I have to directly do work with. They are driving me up the proverbial wall, and being assholes about a lot of it, and I'm stuck in the middle trying to make it all work. My right eye has hardly taken a break from twitching since this weekend, and I'm positive it's work induced stress causing it.

I'm just beyond frustrated in most aspects of my life. I like the "new" boyfriend, and overall that's going well, but he's a feeler type, and that always presents some unique challenges for me. Overall things that are good for me, and can make for a better relationship, but when things are still this new, I feel like I'm sometimes on egg shells to not say something too callous without meaning it that way. It's generally a good thing and brings smiles to my face, yet there are moments I have to check myself to be sure I'm not going to come across like an ass.

How long do you have to "trust the process" before you realize it's not fucking working?!?

Adulting 101

Being an adult isn't always fun....but I recently decided to do the adult thing rather than the thing I really wanted to do.

You see, my street bike got totaled when a driver made an illegal U-Turn right in front of me. Thankfully I had all my gear on and came out okay. My bike didn't fair so well. While half of the claim hasn't settled yet, I did settle the bike. At first I thought I'd run out and buy a replacement - instead, once the check actually arrived, I had thought things through a bit more and decided there were better ways to handle this.

Instead of that shiny, new, bike, I instead decided to do the more adult thing. You see, I can live without a street bike now. I live close to BART, and I have my scooter for around town if I need it, plus my truck. Really, there's not a reason I would really need a bike other than random trips to the east bay areas - but those are infrequent enough that buying a bike just for that is, well, silly.

So, I took that money and did the responsible thing - I paid off ALL my revolving debt, paid off my smallest loan, did the maintenance on the truck that I had been putting off, and put some money into savings. I did buy myself the helmet I had set aside as my "treat" to myself for "behaving." I needed some conciliation prize for being stuck in cages and trains for the next several months!

I still plan to replace the bike, but will be waiting until later this winter once my credit has had a chance to rebound, I've saved up some more for a solid down payment, and I've paid off my highest interest loan. Most of that should be able to happen by the end of the year, so I'm thinking December or January for the new bike....

Forward Two Steps, Back One

     Things were trundling along pretty well for me - my credit was improving, I was setting some money aside (maybe not a ton, but some), and debt was slowly reducing. Then I broke my leg, ironically, one month before the new year. The reason that is so ironic is because of my shitty health insurance (thanks, Obama, for destroying my decent health plan and forcing me to get on my shitty work offered plan) - my "out of pocket" resets every January. So, at the end of 2016, I nearly maxed that out, only to have it reset 2 days after my second surgery on the leg. Apparently, it's not "per incident" as I had in my previous plan - nope, annual. Period. So, I have been hit with 2 years worth of out of pocket maximums in 6 months. I don't have that kind of money laying around.

     Now I'm back to getting piles of bills in the mail that I can't afford to pay. I pay them off as I can, but the big ones end up sitting there. I'm tapped out on payment plans, too - anymore and it would leave me just way to tight financially.

     Don't get me wrong, I'm still paying my bills and making it all happen. I'm still adjusting to the shorter commute and reduced commute costs now that I've moved MUCH closer to work. Even taking out a loan to cover move costs and deposits, I should come out ahead financially, but it hasn't even been a month yet, so I'm still seeing how my budget pans out in reality. Granted, I'm filling the bike up less, and certainly crossing fewer bridges, so I know I'm spending way less, but just haven't had enough time for the impact to hit my budget-mind yet (I still believe I need way more $$ to get through a week than I probably do).

    If it weren't for this, I'd be doing pretty darn good right now. The money I've already spent on medical shit (NOT counting what I still owe) would have paid off most if not all of my revolving debt. I could have taken a hunk out of my payment debt, and probably wouldn't have needed a loan for the move. Instead, as the saying goes, 2 steps forward, 1 step back. Just doing my best to manage it all again.

Unforeseen Progress

I realize I don’t update this blog too often – probably because, in part, a lot of what has changed is in my day to day life and I tend to stay pretty busy. Sure, I have days when I’m pretty down, or when things don’t seem to be going my way very well, but then, inevitably, something happens to change that outlook.

There are a lot of things about my life now that I love, and most of all, I love that I’m in control of the overall outcome. Yes, things happen outside of my control, but being focused on the things that really mattered to me has put in a position of power in my own life. Taking time to focus on those things, and not being swayed by random things that would distract me has allowed me to get into this position in my life.

For the first time in a rather long time, I’m not worried about paying my bills. I’m not worried about being able to buy a tire for my commute bike if I get a flat. Sure, there are months I’m scraping by, but usually because of the things I’m doing for “fun” or because I spent money then had something unexpected come up. But, while it’s been close, I haven’t had to dig into the emergency piggy bank for gas money for quite some time. I’m getting a small little nest egg started.

To some people, I’m sure all of this would seem rather amateur, but considering where I was 3 years ago, this has been some major progress. I’m taking care of myself, renting my own little place, paying all the bills, have the resources to chase my passion, and still a tiny bit that can be set aside. Anything extra that comes in is available for saving or a splurge (like the AC unit I picked up earlier this summer), rather than needing it for basic necessities.

In fact, today, for what I believe may be the first time since my divorce, I imagined what I will feel like when I’m debt free. Mind you, with my student loans, that’s a LONG ways off, but I’m finally in a position where I let myself imagine that feeling again. That’s not a position I’ve been in for a very long time! Even to be willing to imagine that feeling is a huge step. It means things are heading in the right direction!

Stepping into the Light!

Work has continued to go well. My boss and team are great, and I really cannot complain other than not feeling too challenged at the moment but once my boss returns from maternity leave I'm sure I will begin to look at the next challenge. Unfortunately my boredom has gotten me to thinking, which is a good thing, but sometimes gets me itching.

Perhaps it's the lack of change in my life. Other than moving from one roommate situation to another, and changing houses in the process, my life has been fairly stable - work, work, a little more work, and racing. That's about it. Whether it's just my constant need for change and a challenge, perhaps getting a little burnt out, or truly being ready for that next step, my little mind has been whirling and I've been thinking.

There have been two predominant thoughts. The first is that I really, REALLY want to start incorporating my education (aka art/3D stuff) into my work. Whether that is through a corporate job, something that is kind of close (say marketing) or through freelancing, I'm back to working on a portfolio and looking at some freelance gigs to build up some references. In an ideal world I'd be doing that full time with some low-stress part time work on the side (hell, I'd love to keep my current part time job and do that full time).

My biggest issue is that is not the "safest" thing to do, nor is it something I am set up for just yet. It's going to take some time to build clients, resources, etc. In the meantime, I have my day job, and I'd like to keep growing in that, too - the skills are very transferable, even into the 3D world.

The second predominant thought has to do with my living situation. I'm tired of renting a room from someone else! I want my own place - even if I have a 2/2 with a roommate, I want something that is my place that I can manage on my own if need be instead of always piggy backing on someone else's lease, and being the second (or third, or fourth) wheel in someone else's home. Problem is, at my current salary, even with as much as I work, that is NOT going to happen unless I have ZERO fun money - which I'm not quite willing to NEED two jobs in order to pay my basic bills. Been there, done that, dug out of that hole, not willing to fall back into it. This area is SO expensive, it has me looking elsewhere. There are areas relatively nearby (Sacramento for example) that are WAY cheaper and would keep me in the area, but I'd need either a position with my current company or get lucky enough to land a good paying job - or make the freelancing thing a real thing VERY quickly. 

All in all, I'm at a point where I can finally think these thoughts, however, due to the fact that my divorce financial disaster is finally coming to a close. There is still one account outstanding, but my last contracted payment has been made which is freeing up a lot of money over the next few months. My credit score is ever so slowly rebounding, finally getting into the 600 range. There's still a long ways to go, but it's getting there and I'm very stoked about that. I'm also stoked to finally, realistically, be looking at paying off some of my debts once and for all!

There was a light at the end of the tunnel - and I'm finally able to start stepping into it. This has been a long, miserable road. I've learned some things along the way, I've learned a lot about myself, I've become a bit more selfish and cynical, but I've also become more professional, personable, and open with people at the same time.

Living Life

The 'new' job has proven to be a great step. Not only is it a company I can move up and around in, it's also connecting me to a whole other world of networking and industry professionals I otherwise would never have met. To make the deal even sweeter, my current boss and the team I landed on have been extremely supportive of my career growth and development, a trait that is exceptionally beneficial to my future. 

As my position has grown, my boss and the company have lived up to their promises (something my last several jobs did NOT do), and I couldn't be happier from a career growth perspective. The only thing that would make this ideal would be combining what I have with my education and working in that industry with a similar team. It's still on my radar to head that direction, but in the meantime I'm developing into a far more valuable employee than I previously was.

Outside of work, life continues. The financial ruin that the divorce put me into is still haunting me, as I can't seem to get ahead. The difference from a year or two ago is that at least now, all my bills are paid, I have food on my shelves, and I'm actually racing motorcycles, which makes all the hard work totally worthwhile. Yes, I may be working 7 days a week unless I'm at the track, but I enjoy my jobs, and while I sometimes overspend a bit, at least I'm making everything happen when it needs to. Financial institutions still consider me a liability, but I can say with confidence now that I'm paying all my bills, on time, and not borrowing more than I already have (although I'm not dropping those balances much yet, either, at least I'm not adding to them).

The financial strain is the final remaining piece from the divorce that haunts me. I've even gotten my name back! Feels great to not have that little nagging everytime I'd see my signature or name in print. Finally, that is ME! It really is an awesome thing.

Life continues its journey, which is always an exciting ride. I'm reminded of Samwise in Lord of the Rings:

"By rights we shouldn't even be here. But we are. It's like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger, they were. And sometimes you didn't want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end, it's only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant something, even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn't. They kept going. Because they were holding on to something."

Striking Out

Rediscovering my mojo was huge. Once I happened upon that and took some time to rediscover myself, I finally found myself much happier. More content with life and where it was going. And more determined to ensure that, despite everything else, I was going to live my life the way I wanted and do the things that were truly important to me.

There are still days and weeks that are tough, but that's to be expected in any life. We go through periods of feeling lonely, stressed, unloved, and unworthy. But finding that inner mojo makes coming out of those times a very do-able proposition. I have had the opportunity, desire, and drive to ensure that I continue to move forward in my life DESPITE the setbacks, roadblocks and other things that make it seem, at times, impossible.

Having a plan and forecast was also essential. Approximately one year ago I had finally decided to get my career on track. That required me to take a position that, while a significant pay increase, was also a significant cost increase and still paid WAY below area averages for that position. BUT, it would get my career headed in the direction I wanted. The company had poor reviews. I knew the pay was low. Despite that, I knew it would give me a resume that could move me into what I really wanted to do and keep me looking forward.

Don't get me wrong - I loved my work. I thoroughly enjoy what I do on a daily basis. There have been some perks such as telecommuting a couple days a week and a company phone. Since this job was a stepping stone, however, I've had to redirect myself into my future, and unfortunately there are other opportunities that in the long term will serve me better than my current position as the company has lived up to all of its poor reviews, much to my disappointment (since I really do enjoy my work).

Paying the bills and paying off debt, however, are taking priority, as is moving forward in an industry that has a little more to offer, so I began my job search. Much like the last time, I wasn't seeking "a job" but instead was looking for the "right job." A little research and I came across a few opportunities that matched and put my now updated resume out there. One of the companies replied, and a phone interview was arranged. That seemed to go well, and an in person interview was scheduled. Long story short, after another phone interview, a verbal offer now stands on the table.

While my negotiating skills still need some serious work, the offer the job presented is what I was HOPING for - so, rather than feeling the need to negotiate to get into what I wanted, it put me where I needed without negotiations. I'm guessing I could have bargained out a bit more, but to be honest, when something is hitting your target, what else do you ask for? More is nice, but I got a little more than the initial discussion, so I'm not complaining.

I gave the option to my present employer to come a little closer to this a couple months ago. I was told it wouldn't happen, maybe after another 6 months, and if I needed to look around, well, so be it. So be it it was, and here I am. Part of me wishes I didn't have to leave, but I know looking at the bigger picture this is the wiser decision. I'm excited about the prospects here and look forward to what it has to offer.

Gettin' my Mojo Back!

Time does do a lot for healing. It can take you from a curled up heap of sobbing tears to someone who's happy and making things happen. Time did that for me...I was feeling pretty content with where my life was going, I was learning to gain control of things like finances and the like, and I was keeping busy even if a bit lonely sometimes - and I was learning to be okay with that.

There was still a missing element to my healing. I was struggling to put my finger on it - it was easy to blame things like being broke, stressed about work or the lack of dating going on. Despite all of that, however, I knew there was still something missing, some part of me that hadn't fully healed, that I had lost somewhere along the way.

I had lost my mojo.

You know, that special spark that makes you, well, you. That element that gave me my edge. Drove me. Let me deal with thing in a different light. The part of me that was competitive. The part of me that wasn't subtly scared of everything.

Ya, that. I had lost it.

When and where I lost it, I'm not sure. It was somewhere between falling in love and then realizing that the person who was supposed to love me for me didn't. Regardless, I had FINALLY found what it was I needed. Now how to do that in my situation. Of course, being the nerdy type I am, and google being one's best friend, off to the wisdom of the internet I went.

This search actually proved to be very useful as I finally dug up some sites that discussed healing after a divorce over the long term. Let's face it, most "divorce healing" discussions deal with things you're going through that first year or so - the emotions, the let down, learning to do things you didn't have to do before, etc. Most advice out there doesn't pay attention to what happens after that but before you're back to "normal." Finally I found a few places that discussed, literally, getting your mojo back.

One of the huge elements of marriage is that you change yourself to work with the other person. This means that the "you" before them is set aside. These sites discussing needing to rediscover that person. Sure, you've grown and changed and may not want to be the exact person you were before the marriage, but that's where a lot of your mojo is hiding.

Mine, I believe, has been tucked away right there for some time. Probably slowly set aside, slowly sucked and twisted to meet the needs of someone who didn't offer much mojo in return. So yes, I had lost mine. The good news? It's still there, and the advice I came across has already helped me pin down it's location. 

I'm sure this won't be an overnight process, but I'm positive this was the missing element!

At what point....

I think I'm about ready to say "screw it" and take whatever I can find. Or at least that's how I feel sometimes. It's getting frustrating and tiring to keep on hunting and in the meantime feeling like I'm spinning my wheels where I'm at. Ugh! 

There are things I want to do and pursue. I'm still pretty focused on my purpose and where I want to go. The main struggles present themselves in the day-to-day frustrations of showing up to a dead end job, still being broke and having no time to dedicate to my long term goals because I'm too busy trying to keep the day to day from completely falling apart (and not always being successful I might add). 

On another note, I finally managed to scrape up enough for a gym membership. This means I can finally start working on getting my fat ass back into shape. I am officially in the worst shape of my entire life - it's horrible. Started working out this past week, and my body went into "workout shock." I gained 5 pounds in a matter of a few days. Yup, you read that right. More than a pound a day....granted, it's almost all water weight (retained in muscles and just general bloating), but it still sucks! I think things are finally starting to equalize after a solid week, but I'm still dealing with enough extra poundage to make me mildly embarrassed to wear clothes I wore 2 weeks ago BEFORE I started working out!

I know it will pay off in a couple weeks when this water weight all starts going away and I can finally see the results of getting my ass back into gear - but it's gonna be a tough few weeks getting this going. Thankfully a workout buddy several days a week helps, plus I'm just stoked to finally be getting back into shape - I really have not felt like myself since I really started to let myself go. My goals are to A) Generally get more fit B) Lose 20 pounds C) Be able to complete 50+ pushups in two minutes and be able to do 50 crunches/situps in the same time and D) Run 1 1/2 miles in 12 minutes (or less) again and E) Get in shape for moto racing (course this may be the first reason, it's just kinda arbitrary hard to define).

So, getting back into shape offers more energy, so HOPEFULLY that can translate directly into an increased ability to get shit done, sleep well (and therefore less) and overall be more productive - and keep my ambition up!





 

Chin Up, Girl!

I knew going into this it was going to be tough, but I honestly didn't realize just how much rejection I would have to deal with. After going through this a number of times I've come to realize I'm far from the only one - many people out there are going through interview after interview only to get turned down. I'm finding it rather ridiculous that jobs are looking for people with YEARS of experience, with skills that can only be honed after a serious amount of time in the trenches, and are only willing to pay barely above entry level - and to top it off, are actually finding people who fit the bill! 

My question to all these employers, however, is that if your expectations are so high, why are these super-qualified people even willing to accept these positions? Are they REALLY able (and willing) to do the job, or is there a reason why someone who's been in the field for years is still working an entry level post? From what I see being brought into where I work, there are two types of employees - those who took the job in hopes of moving on, and when that isn't happening, they leave, OR the people are so poorly qualified it's embarrassing, no matter what their resume may say. There's one other category, and that's the retiree/I have a sugar daddy types who are just working for a discount or something to occupy their time. Anyone who actually meets the expectations for these "entry level" positions is trying to find a different job, because they are very well aware that their skills and abilities are way above their pay grade, and that they are working way above their pay grade - and why do the job of the people above you if you're not getting paid for it and there's no hope of promotion?

These are my daily frustrations - for the most part I'm keeping my chin up and staying the course, but interviews are not what they used to be - well, that or because I'm looking for a real job instead of "just a job" it's that much harder. Knowing that I'm working to get my career going where I want it to go is helping me stay motivated, but there are days I just get tired of dealing with it all...and never having time off, working my tail off, trying to stay motivated with my current jobs - sometimes I just want to scream at the world "can I ever catch a break?!?"

Gone are the days where being a hard worker, intelligent and reliable were enough to propel you forward. Now everyone needs to be a personal salesman, toot your own horn, and sound like you're an expert in your chosen field even if you're looking for an entry level position. Ugh. I know that's how it is, and I know that's what I'm going to have to do, but it just rubs me wrong when I see people doing something that I know I could do better than they can, but I get overlooked because I'm too "real."

It would be nice to be able to say "screw it, I'm going into business for myself!" right now, but that takes money and time, neither of which do I have. I could be working more towards my long term goals if I could afford to only work one job - but until I get a new job, that's simply not a possibility! SO FRUSTRATING!!! I guess that's what I get for ensuring someone else's success before my own :/ It's a dog-eat-dog world out there, and I guess I'll just have to turn into that snarky bitch if I ever want to get anywhere. 

I know I should be happier that I at least have jobs (even if they pay poorly) and that I am able to work, have no major health issues, have a roof over my head and have food in the cupboard, and most of the time I am happy. Most of the time I'm happy with my life and where I'm going with it - but I'm not willing to settle for second best or the backseat anymore, and there are days it gets tiring constantly trying to claw my way out of this position I've put myself into. I know I'll get there eventually though, just need to tough it out and keep on improving my techniques until I finally find the next position to get my career on track!

Keeping your head up and determination going

"You miss 100% of the shots you never take."

I have this written on my white board in my room where I see it every single day. Sometimes it's a little tough to try to keep your head up and your eyes on the goal. Far too often it's too easy to say "why bother - nothing has happened with the last 30 job applications/3 interviews/whatever that I've completed, why should this one be any different?" Yet that simple phrase up there points out the obvious - yes, 100, 1,000, or more may be total misses, but you will never know if 1,001 is the one that is perfect if you don't try for it.

Yes, there may be many failures and things that don't come through - but "definiteness of purpose is the key to success." If what I'm pursuing is what I want - and it is - then eventually I WILL find that one. It will work out, that match will be made and I will move forward. And I'll be far happier doing so because I know I'll be pursuing what I want to do, it's a marketable career, and I can take all that energy, combine it with experience and work ethic, and become an amazing employee and develop a great career that I can be proud of.

This little pep talk is a pretty frequent thing I've been having to do lately - there are some days where it's just TOUGH. Although I've made changes to ease my financial situation with where I'm at, this is the first full month that these changes are in place,and I'm still playing catch up. Working too much, no fun time, no money to enjoy fun time, just being worn out and then adding in the many downs of changing careers in a tough economy and there are days it would be easier to be depressed. 

But I refuse to give in to that. In my head, self pep talks seem "silly" but I am finding that a reminder of WHY I'm doing what I'm doing, what the long term benefits will be, and a reminder that the best things in life don't come easy makes it a lot easier to get up in the morning and get motivated. I still have days where I'm just plain old tired and don't want to put my energy into work - but I'm getting better about it, and putting some energy back into the jobs I currently have, tired or not. If nothing else, I need to prove to myself that I am worthy of the position(s) I want, and getting lazy where I'm at doesn't do that. Pretty sure my coworkers/boss have noticed the positive difference the past couple weeks as well.

On another note I had an interview on Monday that seemed to go fairly well - and it's a position I would LOVE to have. It's one of those positions where I would not only have a great career move/opportunity, it would be an amazing place to grow, and it's an organization and mission that I can fully support and see the direct benefit of my work. I know they interviewed a number of very good people - but this is one really want, one where I really feel like the benefits would be very mutual.

But, just in case, I'm continuing to take shots - cause you just never know which one will finally hit the mark :)

Opportunity Knocks

As my job hunt continues, I've started to run into some things I need to figure out. Number one, this career change is not going to happen on the schedule I had in mind. This means I'm stuck working my tail off at two jobs (one F/T and one P/T) just to make ends meet since neither pays enough to come close to living off of. Secondly, my time frame for "easing into" getting my own business going may very well be sped up and things may be happening far sooner than I had anticipated. 

This has forced me to make some decisions: do I pass up on an amazing opportunity to save my sanity? Or do I take the leap, say the hell with having a life right now (well, or at least until I manage to find a decent job) and get this ball rolling while the chance is here? When you're already working more than you would like with very little pay off for you, it's a tough thing to add something else to the plate - but the things being added could have HUGE pay offs in the long run...

Faced with these choices, I mulled it over - and over - and over. I used to believe that there were more opportunities for things to happen, and you were okay to bide your time. I've learned the hard way that is no longer the case. In this economy, in this day and age with so much international exchange of labor, tasks, etc, you can't pass up opportunities when they are presented - at least not if you ever want to obtain your goals. This may be old news to successful people everywhere - but that's just not how I was raised or taught to think. It's a bit of a paradigm shift for me.

My choice ended up being clear, albeit with the knowledge that the very small bit of personal time I was currently getting would be eliminated, and I'll have to learn to operate on not enough sleep - and do it well. It makes me tired just thinking about it! But, it's what I want, and I'll make it happen. It's an absolutely amazing opportunity to jump in with both feet, and take my 10 year goal and turn it into only a couple years. Hopefully it works out, as long as I can keep my focus I'll be okay (even if a little tired), and if it does work out, I'll be farther along in a much shorter period of time than I could have anticipated. 

In the meantime, I've got to get some stuff together, paperwork and start doing my homework. And still apply for a "normal" job that will give me the freedom to dedicate some time to this new venture. And still work my full time job. And still work my part time job. And still spend time with my animals. And try to find time to take care of myself!!! OMG, this is going to be an insane ride - really wishing I was 10 years younger right now!

Quick Reviews and Recommendations 1

So in my hunt to "look the part" for my career goals, I've had to find a few solutions to the issues that have, historically, kept me from accomplishing that. First and foremost has been a VERY limited clothing budget - even Target was typically too "expensive" for more than the occasional shirt. So my hunt for a good location to find clothing began.

I already new about Marshall's where I had found great deals in the past, but they were sometimes hit and miss on pricing - and I needed something up-to-date. I also needed something professional, so that also narrowed my possibilities. Add in that I have longish arms and legs, skirt would solve the pants issues, but jackets - not so much. 

Taking some tips from coworkers who shopped locally I took my first trip into H&M. Here I found some great deals, and also found some jackets in the colors I wanted and best of all, they actually fit great right off the rack! Double bonus! For less than $120 I got a jacket, skirt and a couple tops to layer underneath. They fit great, and definitely helped me look the part!

Next was some shoes and a few more layering top possibilities. This led me to try Forever 21. I had never been in there before, either. Oh, was I missing out! Although some of their clothing is definitely way to "young" for me, there was still a very large selection that, pieced together with the right items, could look very professional, or just cute and "put together" on a relaxed day. I found lots of great deals on layering tops and items that I could pair with a suit or jeans depending on the occasion.

Finally I was left with the little touches, like nails and hair. Hair, well, only so much I can do with that. Picked up a few items that will help me hold my "still a tad too short" hair back, and then moved on to nails. Now, I'm HARD on my nails - so painting them isn't very reasonable - #1, I'm likely to have at least one or two that are broken off way shorter than the others, and that's if I've recently filed them to remove dings and nicks. Plus, I'd have to paint them every-single-day, maybe could do every other day if I was lucky. Right now, I simply don't have time for that! So, after reading some online reviews, decided to give the Impress Nails a try....well, I'm impressed! Like I said, I'm tough on nails. These were super easy to put on (my only wish is that the sizes were separated rather than all thrown in together), they have held up for almost an entire week, they were comfortable, looked great and lasted. The length was perfect, too. I put them on last Wednesday, this is Monday and they are all still on and looking good - about the only issue after this long is a few of my nails are starting to grow out so they're about due to be redone. Not the cheapest thing at $8/pop, but if something little like that can make that huge of a difference, I'm all for it! Being quick and easy to put on, plus not ruining my real nails, plus lasting a full week even with as hard as I am on nails - total win!

Determination

Part of my determination stems from the fact that I not only want, but want to enjoy, my life outside of work. I want to race motorcycles, and in order to be competitive, I need tracktime. My current work situation doesn't allow for both - time or money-wise. Add in everything I've been talking about, and I need to find a job that I can really get behind - something that puts my goals in forefront while bringing something else to a company. That, however, also requires the money - because while work is where we spend the majority of our lives, it's not my passion. Being focused on my own goals is making it a lot easier to make these choices though.

After spending a fair bit of time researching the jobs I want to apply to, right down to the nitty gritty details of what to wear to work, I realized I was not dressing for success. Okay, I'm a little fat right now - and although I've been wearing my suits and such to work, they don't quite fit like they should - 5-10 pounds lighter and they'd be great, but right now, they're a bit snug...they're also starting to look a little bit worn since I've been wearing them 5 (or more) days a week for almost 1 1/2 years. So I bit the bullet and made the decision to skip this next race round (it would have been tight, but I maybe could have squeezed it out of my budget) and instead invest in some clothes that I can wear and actually look like I could roll into the positions I want.

Surprisingly, this decision was easier than expected. Missing racing has never really been an option, at least not in exchange for clothes! But, I want this change, and I'm going to make it happen, but it won't happen if I can't present that side to the people who I want to hire me. If I look like I work at a low level position, why in the world would they even consider me? I also decided to break down and rent a car for my future interviews until I get a drive-able car myself - showing up toting all my motorcycle gear simply doesn't work :/ It's one thing once you're working someplace, but that first impression is just off - that first look and I can't appear put together when I'm toting two arms full of gear and a backpack.

The shopping bit kinda sucked, but was kinda nice, too. I found a couple stores in particular that had stuff that looked presentable, fit well, and was reasonable. I now have an outfit that I can modify a couple different ways, and can get me through those first few weeks at a new job until I can afford to buy a more comprehensive work wardrobe. I also grabbed a few items for when I'm not at work - while this may be far less important, let's face it, you never know who may see you where, and I don't want to look like a frumpy mess just because it's my day off....relaxed, sure, but trendy and well fitting can go a long ways.

A few other minor touches and my interview attire is all set! Now all I need to do is land the interview that job that I really, really want! Oh, and then land the job lol!

The highs and lows of job hunting

Have you ever felt like your emotions were on a roller coaster and there was almost nothing you could do about it? If you've experienced job hunting in this economy, you'll understand what I'm going through. If you haven't, count your blessings.

I steamrolled into job applications off a high from my goal setting adventure. My resume was updated, I had a kick ass cover letter, and I was determined and focused. The digital application process can speed things along, however, it also leaves that personal touch out of things. I tried to get a few little things into my paperwork that would personalize it a bit, but no matter how awesome you may be, it's still a tough market. With a minimum of two applications filled out a day (often several more), the "radio silence" in responses was tiring.

Then you finally have a positive hit - yay! Interview scheduled - "alright!" you think, "this is it, we're on to another job now!"

Um, ya, not so much. With hundreds of applicants, employers can afford to be VERY picky. If you make it through that maze, and actually end up with an interview, you are still competing against a dozen or more people for one position - and they've already whittled things down to who they feel is the cream of the crop. Sometimes they are doing interviews for WEEKS, and trying to make an impression when 6 other people are getting interviewed the same day is TOUGH. Ugh, time to brush up on interview skills, cause the usual "you're a hard worker, clean, presentable, etc" isn't cutting it anymore.

After a couple weeks of "focused" job hunting I had landed a grand total of two interviews. One of them I was very excited about, and really hoped I would stand out - apparently not. The rejection letter I got yesterday pretty much popped the small bubble I was riding on. Making a career change was going to be difficult - I should have known this, because I've wanted out of the security and retail fields for awhile now - but those were the only jobs I was getting hits on, and as I said earlier, at that time my own goals weren't a priority.

Today dawned a bright new day, however, and I'm back at the computer continuing with the applications. I think the let down would have been easier if I had experienced a few more positive hits - although I've been applying right along (learning not to put all my eggs into one basket), with no other scheduled interviews it's a little tougher to keep my head up as much as I should.

It's officially time to dig deep and find my inner badger! The right job is out there, and I'm going to find it!

Goal Setting and Setbacks - time to bust out a little Honey Badger!

As I set out to embark on the journey of goal setting I immediately hit a road block - um, since I'm actually doing this "for real" (as opposed to for some assignment), how do I start? 

I sunk to the level of Googling it - how pathetic it seemed when I was typing "how to set goals" into the search bar. After filtering through a few sites, however, I was glad I did. There were a few useful outlines and processes that I otherwise may have missed, starting with brainstorming. I started jotting down what I enjoyed, what I was good at, what I wanted out of life - you know, things most people have figured out a good 10 years earlier in their life. This process proved to be extremely useful as it helped eliminate a lot of the "floundering" that I felt like I was doing.

So, after a couple weeks of going through these processes, I landed on my goal - in 10 years, I want to run my own event planning business. Which industry (corporate, wedding, tradeshow, etc) I'm leaving a little in the open, but wedding planning appeals to my artistic side...but that's not a decision that needs to be made right now. Next step was breaking down that long term goal and coming up with how I was going to get there. I broke this down into year by year, and sometimes monthly, goals starting from now until then. 

After all of that was down on paper, I felt far more focused. I know what I want to do, and I have an idea of what I need to do to get there. Step 1: find a job that will utilize and grow the skills (organization, scheduling, filling in the details, etc) that I will need to be an event planner. This narrowed my job search to just a few fields, but since it's a total career change, I'm finding this to be a little more difficult than I would like. But then again, i guess nothing good comes too easily, but my on-going job hunt will be the subject of a future post.

Step 2: begin planning smaller events. I already found one - planning the Bike Nights at the Cycle Gear where I'm working part time. I'm also going to be hitting up my network of friends to find other smaller events/parties/etc that I can plan or help with the planning of. The only issue right this minute is that I'm pretty much going to be doing this for free or nearly free until I have a few references and a little experience under my belt to justify charging someone. The main hold up for that comes from the simple fact that right now I'm already working two jobs just to make ends meet - which leaves basically no time for side events.

SO, with that realization, I came to the conclusion that finding a job that pays what I'm worth AND can help me get where I'm going is priority number one.

Goal Setting Cunundrum

I've never really sat down and created goals. Not like, long term career and life goals. This was a new experience. I've done class assignments and that sort of thing, but those were mostly just BS and I wasn't REALLY assessing things - or myself - very closely. Add in that over the past decade or so I've come to know myself much better, understand who I am as a person and why. Remove all of these outside opinions, and suddenly I've got a situation I've never dealt with.

Step one: figure out HOW to go about setting goals. I actually sunk to the level of googling that shit. It proved to be useful. I found some good resources, and starting putting their advice to work. The first couple attempts were failures because I soon realized that I had NO idea what I wanted to be when I grew up! So much of my life had just been the "get whatever job you can to pay the bills while [I] work towards my dreams" that I had lost total focus of what I wanted other than my one passion of riding and racing motorcycles....which sure as shit didn't pay the bills and although a passion, isn't going to carry me into the next decade!

So, taking the advice of one site, I began brainstorming. Literally just writing thoughts down on paper with a pencil. I was focusing on career at this point, so that was the point of the exercise. I had a few things that I was juggling around, trying to weigh the options of, but it didn't take long for me to hit on what it was I've always wanted to get back into - event coordination/planning. Ever since I worked as a training coordinator (basically it was event planning) I have wanted to get back into something similar. I loved that kind of work, I was good at it, and it's actually a marketable skill if its applied right. Plus there are plenty of areas one can focus on, be it weddings to trade shows, so you're not even pigeon holed into one type of work if something else is far more appealing.

As silly as it sounds, it was rather enlightening to actually right down what I wanted to do. Having a 10 year goal in black and white on paper - something I actually wanted to accomplish - was a first for me. That gave me some hope for the future and took away that "floundering" feeling I've been experiencing for YEARS. I suddenly had a goal, and that created focus. 

Breaking that goal down, and incorporating the goals of other areas of my life is for another post, but finally coming to this point has been HUGE. For the first time in my life I finally have a goal that is mine and mine alone and I'm the one who can make it happen. Love that feeling right now. Sure, I'm still working my shitty paying job and barely making ends meet, but at least there's a prick of light at the end of the tunnel. 

When the realization hits....

This post is mostly going to be a story, a bit of history. Now we all know that the "truth" of any situation lies somewhere in the middle of the two stories you hear - however this blog is about MY story, MY take on things, and how I'M dealing with it....bear that in mind and read on...

Maybe it's just me (although I doubt it) but when it finally dawns on you that you've spent the vast majority of your adult life helping everyone else realize their dreams in hopes that they will return the favor, and you find out that's not the case, it's like getting hit by a bulldozer.

First, it's even coming to that realization. You know something isn't right, you finally decide to do something about it, then you get smacked in the face (almost literally) by someone telling you that their dreams and ambitions are more important, more valuable and will ALWAYS be the priority. In my case, I kinda knew - had known for some time (like years) - that was the reality. Actually having someone tell that to your face still sucks. You question your value, why you were so stupid and at the same time you're MAD! Hurt, anger, loss, and a host of emotions you're not sure how to deal with. Are you making a rash decision? Are you just caught up in the moment?

Once you determine that you have, indeed, wasted the majority of the past decade of your life, you now have to deal with all the emotions and roller coasters that come with that. Everyone has their own way of coping - once my mind was made up, my method of coping was to just strike out on my own and starting putting the past behind me.

At first it seemed okay, then over the course of a few months some realities of relying on only your own income began to set in. Money got tight, and part time jobs weren't reliable. In fact, money actually went from tight to "there's not enough." I wasn't out blowing it on fun stuff, either....I just literally did not earn enough to pay all my bills without a part time job, and when those started proving their unreliability, I was screwed (I still have one that owes me almost 2 months worth of pay :/ ).

All of this forced me to sit down and do some reassessing. First, I realized that I needed to reduce my bills. It was probably gonna kill my credit, but that was dying anyways, so screw it. It also meant making the hardest decision I've made and I ended up moving my retired horse into a semi-rescue situation. These things are bringing my bills into a range I can support on my one job - it leaves nothing for spending or incidentals, but I can pay the bills - barely. Which means any part time work can cover incidentals and maybe, just maybe, the occasional fun. I've given up a lot to pursue racing motorcycles, but unless the part time jobs start coming through (or I manage to finally get a new full time job), that simply isn't going to happen just yet.

My next step was to formulate some goals. Create some focus in my life. For the first time in my entire life, I have my future ahead of me and there's only one opinion that matters about where that is headed - and that one person is me. That realization was rather empowering. A little scary when you've spent well over 30 years relying on other people, or having their opinions carry as much (if not more) weight than your own. Overall though, it was empowering. The next question was just how I was going to go about dealing with that!